Seifer's Baby
by Vick330
Summary: Seifer Almasy faces his greatest challenge yet... fatherhood


Seifer's Baby

A Final Fantasy VIII fan fiction

By Vick330

Disclaimer: This story is loosely inspired by a monologue by comedian Yvon Deschamps, and the author's own limited experience of babies. The author doesn't own FF8, never has, hopes he will, but doesn't claim to. Thus please don't sue, or I'll send my pet Klingon after you meanies!

Dedicated to my nephew Karl and my niece Eleonore... I love you both so much           ^_^

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Life is full of surprises.

My name is Seifer Almasy, and the first one who dares call me '_lap_-_dog'_ gets a permanent haircut just above the shoulders. Now that the introductions are done, I have been asked to share with you my experience of fatherhood. Not that I really feel like it, but I lost a bet to the author – I rather not go into details, but I sure feel like giving him a very special haircut.

Anyway, after the second Sorceress War I went back to Balamb Garden, and Raijin, Fujin and myself were paroled due to attenuating circumstances. I know that Dintch tells anyone who wants to hear, that he didn't know that '_stupidity_' counted as '_attenuating circumstances_'… I'd be more than pleased to trim that chocobo hairdo of his a little, well, actually a lot, but that's another story.

But I digress, sorry about that. Well, after a while I realized Fujin's love for me, and for once I did the right thing by falling in love with her, and then by asking her to be my wife. We agreed on a few things from the beginning, but as I said before '_life is full of surprises_'.

First we agreed on never having pets, as we are not 'pet-people'. And then Aki, an orphan kitten, came into our lives. And so rule number one went down the drain, as we got used at having her around the house, and she is really affectionate.

Our second vow was to never have children. Don't get us wrong, it wasn't out of selfishness but quite the contrary. We figured that we were so screwed up that we'd never be decent parents, and that it was thus better to save a child such an ordeal. I still remember our conversation on the topic:

- Me: "So Fuji, we agree, no kids."

- Fujin: "AGREED"

- Me: "So it is settled…"

- Fujin: "SETTLED"

Ha! But women are a deceptive lot, I tell you! Fujin tried to hide her pregnancy from me, and she did it quite well. She just didn't count on the fact that I am a VERY perspicacious man, with an amazingly sharp sense of observation.

We were watching TV, and she got up from the couch to get more ice cream for her pickles. As she passed in front of the set, I had a suspicion that she had hidden the screen a little longer than usual…

- Me: "Say Fuu, maybe you should go easy on the snacks, you seem to have gained a little weight."

- Fujin: "WILL LOSE SOON"

- Me: "Huh, you're going on a diet?"

- Fujin: "NEGATIVE"

- Me: "Say, I still think you're pretty, so there's no need for liposuction."

- Fujin: "NO LIPOSUCTION"

- Me: "Then how is that weight going to come off?"

- Fujin: "NOT OFF"

- Me: "Then how?"

- Fujin: "WILL COME OUT"

- Me: "Out?"

- Fujin (expecting a major outburst from her man): "I am pregnant, Seifer…"

- Me: "WHAT!!!" O_'O                      (  '  is Seifer's scar)

I should have known that something was amiss, because she only went back to her old way of speaking when nervous or mad. Before our wedding, Fuji went to speech therapy and is able to speak normally. But that's beside the point, so lets go back to our story. In spite of the shock at the unexpected news, I kept a cool head and acted in a mature and rational manner.

- Me: "I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON NO KIDS!"  _'

- Fujin: "It's not like I did it on purpose, you know."

- Me: "AND HOW IN THE CIRCLES OF HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!"

- Fujin: "Huh, well, you see… when a man and a woman love each other very, very much, they…"

- Me: "I know that part! I mean, we were using protection!"

 Fujin: "You know something interesting I found out?"

- Me: "Is it in any way relevant to this situation?"

- Fujin: "AFFIRMATIVE"        ^_#                  [ # is the eye patch]

- Me: "All right, go ahead."

- Fujin: "You see condoms are only 97% effective…"

- Me: "You mean that you're carrying a 3% inside you?"

- Fujin: "You could put it that way."                  ^_#

- Me: "I'LL SUE THE SKIN OFF THE BACK OF THE CONDOM FACTORY FOR THIS!"

- Fujin: "Actually, I read the 97% thing on a disclaimer on the box."

- Me: "Oh! Well, at least we'll have time to prepare for it. When is the baby due?"

- Fujin: "In two weeks."

- Me: "Two…"             O.'O

Two weeks, I couldn't believe it! I was so shocked that I couldn't sleep for those two weeks – stress will do that to a man, even a strong one. And so the days passed, and the fateful date approached.

One morning, as I was sleeping soundly and dreaming of swimming for some reason, Fujin started fretting beside me. She finally managed to awake me, and it is needless to say that I was not happy (I am not a morning person by the way).

- Fujin: "Seifer! My water broke!"        O_#

- Me: "Hum, call a plumber and let me sleep…"            ~_'~

- Fujin: "It's coming!"

- Me: "Who, the plumber?"

- Fujin: "NO! THE BABY!"                 _#

- Me: "OH!"     O_'O

Fortunately, I am an organized and quick-witted guy. I dressed in record time, grabbed Fujin's suitcase, and scooped Aki in my arms. We then got into the car and drove to the hospital. It was early in the morning and there was no traffic, so I was sure that we would do good time and…

- Aki: "MEOW!"                      [translation: 'You are forgetting something!']

- Me: "Quiet cat! I'm busy driving!"

- Aki: "PRRR! Mrrow!"           [translation: 'I said: You are forgetting something!']

- Me: "%$#@! Fujin, will you quiet the cat down?"

- Aki: "PBrrrrr…"                    [translation: 'It's hopeless I see']           =^..^=

- Me: "Fuu? FUJI??? HOLY  MACCAROONI! I FORGOT FUJIN!!!"

- Aki: "Miaou"                          [translation: 'Told you']

When I got back to the house, Fujin was waiting on the porch with a resigned look on her face. We finally got to the hospital, and she was rushed to the delivery room. I don't know why they insisted for me to be present; after all I don't ask doctors to wield a _gunblade_ and battle monsters.

Oh the delivery was such a horrible ordeal, I lost consciousness twice. Fujin was doing fine, she had had those classes on how to breathe and everything (another thing she hid from me, I thought she was hanging out with the girls… well in all honesty, in a sense she was after all). The baby finally came into the world, and I'll always remember the way I felt right then.

I was scared.

Yes, Seifer Almasy was scared, and I am not ashamed of admitting it. Here was this new life that only had Fujin and me to take care of her, and protect her. At the same time, I felt that I was up to the task, and that I would give my own life for this wonderful little bundle nested in my wife's arms…

- Fujin: "Axandra."

- Me: "After my mother?"

- Fujin: "Yes, as a link from the past to the future."

- Me: "Axandra…"

I don't know much about my biological parents, and I never went through the trouble of looking the topic up. I think it's because I rather not stir the past too much. Fujin knew that it bothered me though, even if I never acknowledged it (isn't she wonderful?), and managed to find out my mother's name. I know now that she was killed during the first Sorceress War, and that the cross I wear around my neck was hers.

Anyway, I don't want to brag, and it's not because Axandra is my daughter, but she was the most beautiful baby in the nursery. She was not only the cutest one, but also the loudest of the lot. I felt so much pride that I offered the hospital to keep her, as she would be excellent advertisement for them.

But no… we had to bring her back home.

I soon learned that babies have no notion of time whatsoever, and also limited communication skills. Axandra would wake up at all times, be it day or night, and cry her lungs off until Fujin breast-fed her. After a while it got too exhausting for Fuu, and so we got a breast-pump and took turns feeding our daughter.

At some point, I was so sleep-deprived that I didn't even wake up to give Axandra her bottle. Oh, don't worry, I got up and fed her, but I just didn't wake up. I hope that babies don't mind having a zombie as a daddy for part of their lives.

Eventually things improved, as she started sleeping several hours in a row at night. I even learned to change diapers and bathe her, no small feat for a man, ladies! Yes, all was right in our little home, and our baby was healthy and growing.

And then she went from milk to solid food…

As I said, life is full of surprises, and here's another of Mother Nature's mysteries: Take a little, tiny, diminutive baby and feed it a few minuscule spoonfuls of mashed food in the mouth, let digest for a short while… it's unbelievable what comes out the other end.                     _'

There's enough to fill a whole dumpsite, and that's just a day's worth. I have a theory that babies' digestive systems are gateways to another dimension, which would explain the discrepancy between input and output. It wouldn't be so bad, but on top of that the stuff stinks so bad that no self-respecting fly would ever get near it.

For a while I considered suggesting Garden to use the '_material_' as a biological weapon, as no enemy would be able to stay in the vicinity of a drop of it, but I guess that there's limits to what you can use in warfare. In the end, we somehow managed to survive the ordeal. Time passed, Axandra kept growing and bringing us a healthy share of happiness, and more surprises.

Actually, the next surprise we had was a compliment from Aki. You'll remember that I was quite in a rush when Fujin was about to give birth, and so I forgot our little cat. Don't worry, she was outside just a few hours, and I came back to feed her and check on the house. The thing is, my dear little kitten proved two things on that occasion: First, she wasn't a kitten anymore, and second, she made good (or bad, that's matter to debate) use of her time outside the house. I know that cats are not supposed to have facial expressions, but let me tell you that she looked pretty satisfied with herself right then… I should have suspected something, but I had more pressing things on my mind at the time.

This conversation happened about nine weeks after Axandra's birth, as Aki was comfortably lounging on my lap while I was reading '_The Truth About The Second Sorceress War_' by '_Seifer Almasy_' (an excellent book, I recommend it and still don't understand why they didn't make a movie out of it):

- Me: "You know Cat, you're getting heavy."

- Aki: "Meow"             [translation: "Yeah, so what?"]

- Me: "And you're getting quite a belly too."

- Aki: "Mrrrreowiaou"  [translation: "Don't worry, it'll get back to normal pretty soon, hee hee!"]

- Me: "I'm switching you to diet food next time we go to the vet."

- Aki: "Mrrro Prrrr Miaou"       [translation: "It's amazing that guys like you and Dintch became the dominant species of this planet"]

- Me: "I'm so glad that Axandra is quieting down, babies are a handful you know."

- Aki: "Brrrgnaow!"      [translation: "Ho man! Are you in for big surprise in a day or two!"]

The next day, Aki gave birth to five kittens. Fujin never wanted to gave them away, and so they became part of the household. At least they learned very quickly to use a litter, and I sure wish Axandra would have too, but that's a skill she never quite mastered.

And so, the sands of Time kept restlessly flowing…

I always wondered why the '_terrible_ _twos_' were called the '_terrible_ _twos_'. I found out when Axandra reached two years of age, and so did several fragile objects, which didn't benefit from the knowledge for they found their doom right then. At about that general time period, I realized that she, Aki, and the kittens had pretty much taken over the house. Somehow Fuji and I adapted to all those changes, and now it all seems so natural and right when I look back on it.

I don't want to brag, and it's not because Axandra is my daughter, but she is the smartest kid in the world, and the cutest, and the most adorable, and… and she is simply the greatest. I remember one night, when I was holding her in my arms. She couldn't sleep, and being carried around the house seemed to have a soothing effect on her. She held on to me with her tiny hands, looked into my eyes, and said '_D-Dblrp_'…

She clearly said '_Daddy_'! Oh man! She's so clever! I talked to her then, and told her that I had many things to show her. I told her that the world was a big place, that I would bring her everywhere, and help her explore all there is to see. 

I guess that after all it was Axandra who taught me a lot. She taught me about laughing just because one is happy, about enjoying simple things, about the healing power of a smile and a loving caress. She taught me what really matters in this life, and because of her I have grown and become a more mature person, a better person… Now please excuse me, but I hear my little sunshine calling me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

- Axandra: "Daddy, yah ready ta go ta tha beach?"

- Seifer: "Sure Sweetie, and don't forget your shovel and bucket."

- Axandra: "Yay! Are we gonna do fun stuff?"

- Seifer: "Have you ever played '_demolition_ _crew_'?"

- Axandra: "Huh, nope…"

- Seifer: "I'll teach you, uncle Zelly and uncle Squally are there making sandcastles by the way."

- Fujin: "Seifer, you're not going to bother them, are you?"        _#

- Seifer: "He he he…"   :)

- Axandra: "Tee hee hee"          ^_^

~*~*~ **The End** ~*~*~


End file.
